Hi, everyone. Seems like I left this place for quite a while, huh? I don't know, right now I feel like writing down some portion of my incoherent thoughts. Sometimes I feel bad for my own blog, I mean, I only visit it whenever I'm feeling really depressed or whenever I'm at the verge of suicide. Geez, I really must start using brighter colours in my life haha. Anyway, school's alright and my life's okay -- no problems at sight yet. 

I recently bought myself a new game, the ICO and Shadow of the Colossus HD Collection for PS3, which I bought it with my own money! Yep, you should believe it. I spent one month and a half saving, which is a miracle, considering I barely save at all. The game cost around Rp. 500,000. I know it's a little bit pricey, but hey, it has two games! Two in one, how nice. And I must say, I'm totally hooked to both of the games.

ICO is an action-adventure game which involves puzzles with a minimalistic storyline and atmosphere. In short, it's about this boy called Ico who has horns which is considered as a bad omen in his village, he is then taken away and became imprisoned in a castle but breaks free. As he attempts to escape, he encounters an ethereal-looking princess -- named Yorda -- in a cage whom then he has to protect from shadow beings as they escape the castle. For me, ICO is a very lovely game because you actually have to press down R1 the whole time to be able to hold Yorda's hand as Ico navigates her through the place. There's not much background to the storyline or the characters, there's not much in-game music as well -- only background sounds such as the wind whistling, the echoes of the footsteps, etc. -- but amazingly, the magic is there. 

Shadow of the Colossus, or SotC for short, is also a tremendously breathtaking and unique game. It's nothing like I've ever seen in gaming history before. It is the spiritual prequel of ICO, which also features a simplistic storyline and atmosphere. Even though SotC involves more gameplay combat, it also has puzzle elements in it. This time, the puzzles are in the enemies itself. You play as Wander, a young man probably in his early twenties whose primary goal is to ressurect his dead girlfriend named Mono. In order to this, he must go inside the Forbidden Land and travel across it with his trusty -- although a bit useless sometimes -- horse, Agro, to find and defeat 16 giant entities known as colossi; colossus in plural. The Forbidden Land is very vast, which it'll take a while for you to get from colossi to colossi. It also gives off this atmospheric feeling, implicitly telling you that there's only you, your horse and the colossus standing on the great land. Like I said, it's a really breathtaking game because... it just is. I don't know how to describe the feeling... fuck it, you know what, you must play both of the games! I'm serious, ICO and Shadow of the Colossus are both beautiful and amazing and they are often considered as art games because they're different than any other games. They made my Rp.500,000 totally worth it. :D

I want to tell you all something I’ve never told anyone before. I want you to know what I’m really feeling, and I want to show the people who feel like they have nothing to live for that there are people who feel the same way and you should never give up.

Almost every night I spend on my bed, thinking about too many things. I feel sad and alone most of the time, even when something great happens, I do feel happy but that horrible feeling comes again. It's always inevitable, these negative thoughts come rushing into my head and I sometimes I feel like I can’t cope anymore.

I've been scared of telling anyone about this. I don't want them to think I'm seeking attention. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I have friends, but I don't think I'll ever be brave enough to voice out my feelings. I don't want them to hate me, I don't want them to drift away, I don't want to be alone. I may be bitchy sometimes, but I'm just a coward behind a mask. 

Once, I felt like I really had no other way out and I decided that the best thing to do was to commit suicide. I spent days and weeks thinking of every way I could do it, would I strangle my neck with my own hands? Would I hang myself with my belt inside the wardrobe? Would I overdose on Panadol? Every day, I kept looking around and every where I looked there was something that I could connect to an escape: “I could jump off there. I could jump off from the school balcony.”

I have written several suicide notes. I have tried to keep diaries expressing my feelings and I have written letters to friends for if I were to kill myself. I spend every day trying to figure out what went wrong, why I feel so incomplete. Because nothing traumatic happened to me when I was younger to make me feel this way. I’m just unhappy because it’s the way I am. For a long time I felt like no one could help me.

I know this is probably meaningless, but I know how hard living is for some people. I know how hard it is for me. But I think can get through it. I love my family and my friends and I know God will never forgive me if I did take away my life. I don’t think I’ll ever be better and fully happy. I think that I’m always going to feel dark and helpless and hollow on the inside. But I know now that there are ways to work through those feelings, and there really are things to live for.

If I look deep inside myself, maybe I'll find them. I'll find those reasons to live. 

I can't wait to get a 3DS. I am dying to play Kingdom Hearts: 3D! Sora and Neku, ftw.

Finally Livejournal is back! I was afraid I wouldn't be able to blog any longer. Okay so, I'm in a new school now. It's nearer to my house, which is a good thing. But... man, I just can't stand the people. Many of them are so stuck-up or insensitive. Especially this girl in my class, she's always bossy and annoying. Whenever she calls my name, I can't help but shudder at the sound of it. I can't bring myself to like her. Believe me, I've tried, but she makes it so hard. Oh well, it's not that I can do anything about it, since they are who they are after all. 
Anyway, let me write another rant about school.
Two or several weeks ago, me and my classmates were talking about our future. At first it was just a light topic, but, somehow, it got serious.
"So, what do you wanna be when you're older?" "What major are you taking for university?"
Those are the questions everyone's been asking me lately. They look at me with such curious eyes, it intimidated me. My head always get swarmed with emptiness. The only thought I had was: Whoa, calm yo selves people.
I can't believe it, though. It's been almost a month since I entered in my new school, and people are throwing serious questions at me already. This made me consider about my future of course, because in just three or more years, I'd be out of high school. Then, I would have to be admitted in a good university. But, that's where my mind becomes stuck. In my country, when you're in year 11, you'll have to choose the "major" already -- like, science or social science. Well damn. Both subjects involve maths so... that's hard to consider. Very.
But I'm really glad my parents said they will always support me. They'd be equally happy if I choose social science rather than science, because to be honest, I'd like to take communications major. I don't know if choosing social science will aid me for university, but I do hope I won't regret it. And--
Oh God, I'm still young and I can't believe I'm thinking this far already. But can you blame me? 
Screw this.
The future doesn't scare me at all.


*STARTS SINGING SIMPLE AND CLEAN BY UTADA HIKARU*

Good news! Two days ago, I was finally able to sign up at Yamaha Music School! Man, now I can relax easily. I'll be taking piano lessons at home, though my first lesson will begin on 3rd of July... which means I still have 3 weeks left. I'm a bit disappointed, since I expected to have them right away during the holidays but no. Guess I'm too eager, huh. 
And, I wonder who'll be my teacher -- a girl, maybe? Or a guy? Or maybe an old lady? I hope it's a girl... Because, if it is an old woman, then I better be off screwed. Long story short, I hate being around temperamental folks while being badly lectured. They give me some really unnecessary memories of my past encounters, you know?
If it is a guy, well, I don't wanna know. 80% of male population in this country are damn awkward, which then makes me awkward when I'm around them. What happened to the other 20%? They're either taken or yet to be discovered. You know how it goes. So, yeah, if my teacher will be a guy, then I guess things will go strange -- and I don't spend my money for some 30 minutes of awkward session once a week.
Oh well, I'm over-thinking about this. I just hope I'll get a nice one.

One at a time, I guess.

I just finished playing Kingdom Hearts for the nth time today. What can I say? I just can't get enough of it. But I always get frustrated at the ending -- why didn't he jump into that platform where Kairi was? Sora, you derp. But I still like you. :3

Anyway.
You know what I've always wanted to do? Well, watching the Distant Worlds concert is one thing and travelling around the world is another one, but there are more. See, I have this long list written on my journal -- it's about the stuff I want to do before I die or have amnesia. And fully learn how to play piano is one of them. 
I'm always amazed by those who can play piano so nicely, so expressively, so smoothly... that it made me want to be like them, too. I have this friend -- or classmate, to be exact -- who's really good at it. She performed Besaid Island (from Final Fantasy X) on prom night several days ago. I was absolutely... stunned. Dazed. Astonished. Awed. Hell, I could write more synonyms to express the indescribable feeling I had. I simply had to learn how to play piano. I could play To Zanarkand (again, from Final Fantasy X. That game is full of musical wonders, you know), but when I play it, it never sounds as amazing as I thought it would. I wanted to convey my feelings into something as beautiful as that piece I heard that night.
I told my mom about this, and she said she wanted to help me find a piano teacher that would come to our house -- since I'm a lazy ass when it comes to going to places and my parents are continuously over-protective of me. But, the problem we are currently facing is the price and service. Most of the piano lessons are expensive these days, and the lessons would only last for 30 minutes or 1 hour. Plus, some of the teachers would only come once a week. What a drag.
I'll try asking that friend of mine about her music lessons someday. Mm-hmm.

 Lately, I've been literally dying trying to convince my parents to let me watch the concert. No, not the Owl City or any known bands' tours. It's more like an orchestra concert tour. Yes. Call me old-fashioned, but I enjoy listening to instrumental pieces. I listen more to those type of songs on my iPod. Katy Perry? Lady Gaga? A Day to Remember? They're good, but I barely listen to theirs. 
So, this is the concert that I want to watch so bad... the Distant Worlds: Final Fantasy concert. 
"Wait a fucking minute. You want to go to a concert where they'll feature music from a GAME?" Yes, shut up. :|
I don't care what anybody thinks. Nobuo Uematsu, the composer of one of the greatest RPGs, is a music GOD. A genius. I always died listening to his tracks whenever I play any installment of the series. It's because he's just so good, it captivated me and urged me to watch the concert. I've also seen one of his interviews on YouTube, and it shocked me how he said he never had formal music lessons. Right there, my 'respect' meter for him just tripled. Ever since then, I've always wanted to see his performance live. 
Er, I got side-tracked. Anyway, the first time I tried to convince my mom about this, she seemed to agree -- that is, until I checked the ticket price. 
$170. 
Okay, maybe for some people it's not that expensive but that's a different story for me. I don't know how much that would cost in Rupiah but I guess the amount will probably break my bank. I don't always save money so that's a problem. But there's an even bigger problem to come by. I'll have to get out of this country to watch the concert. When I check the official website, the nearest upcoming concert will be held in Chicago, on June 26th 2011. Well fuck.
Wait, didn't Nobuo come from Japan? Asia? He should remember that he's got fans in Asia, too... er, like me. Or maybe us Asians are just temporarily invisible to him... I'm pretty sure he and his team will come here. China maybe? I don't know, I just hope it'll be close enough for me to go. I doubt Indonesia has one of those giant concert halls like they do in Sydney, Australia. Oh well. I should look out for more information because giving up ain't a choice for me when it comes to Final Fantasy. :D

Seven days have passed by, just like that. Everyday I wake up with the clouds engulfing my district, but sometimes I wake up with the sun shining softly on the horizon. Well, that's how I used to wake up anyway. Now everything is in a fast pace. I can't catch up anymore. Seven days have gone by way too fast -- and I haven't even summarized what I've been doing on weekends. One week feels like one day. 
Heh, it's a bit funny to me, actually. People always complain about how time seems to be passing by really slow and all that. I guess I have now a reason to oppose them.  

Sorry for the brief rant. 

Anyway, today I opened up my PS2 and cleaned the laser disc. I felt quite accomplished, with the help of Youtube. Though it took the console for a while to successfully load one game (Final Fantasy X, mind you) -- which irked me like hell. I curled up and hoped for the game to load, only to find myself switching off/on the PS2 for a good 30 minutes. My brother recommended me to take it to a store and fix it, but what can I say? I don't want to waste money this month. I'm broke as fuck!
And so, when the game was finally loaded and the screen showed "SQUARE ENIX", I just sighed out of joy. I was about to cry, I'm serious. But then I held back those tears because it seemed utterly stupid to cry with happiness over a revived PS2. Amazing.
Then during those 30 minutes later, I spent my time jumping around the room with the controller in my hand. But then suddenly, there was a glitch. A fucking glitch.
The main character won't move, but the background music was still playing. And the funny thing was, he was on his knees -- which made him look distorted and funny -- as if he was about to hump someone or something. Very mature of me, I know.

Oh well, that's all I want to say for today. It's a bit late, since I promised I would write around November not before November ends. Oh well. I hope you have a lovely day, lovely reader. I'll update when December ends.

Merry (early) Christmas! :)

(I'm putting this on public because it ain't packed with sadness and stuff. period.)

Hello, can you hear me? Now put your hands in the air... for a century. 

 I think I won't be writing a depressing post this time. I'm glad. I think it's time for me to brighten up my journal a little bit. Little I know how depressing I was being the past few weeks, perhaps months. I guess I should be writing about the bright side of my life a little bit. 

So I bought the book Eat, Pray, Love (written by Elizabeth Gilbert) a few days ago. I'm on page 56 now and so far, it is an enjoyable piece of heaven that allows me to dream about travelling. Honestly, I've been dying to get out of my country, so that I'll be able to explore the many sides of this known -- yet unknown -- world. Back to the book, I love how Gilbert describes her personal life in Italy. And her style of writing is sometimes humorous! For some reason, now I don't trust skinny Italians, haha. One of my classmates warned me not to watch the movie though (the book is adapted into a movie). I'll keep that in mind.Putting the book aside, I want to write down about animes and mangas (japanese comics). Sorry if you're not into it, I understand -- you can stop reading this post now. You must be into some sort of bands or singers or something cooler for your taste. Well for me, animes&mangas are cool. 
Kaichou Wa Maid-sama! is cool. I mean, how the hell can you not love Usui? So, I read the latest chapter -- which is chapter 55, mind you -- though it's not translated into English yet. No fear, I can still understand a bit with the graphics. I was sort of disappointed, Usui didn't appear much in that chapter. Aoi did come out a lot, though. Well, I mean, the whole chapter was sort of about him and Misaki. But I'm glad Aoi wasn't that spoiled anymore. Yay!
Oh, and Usui is an irresistible piece of heaven. God, I just need a guy like him in real life.
Anyway, a week ago I finished watching High School of The Dead anime. My final thoughts? Gazillions of boob shots and a nice "I want the second season, bitch! D:" remark 'cause I wasn't quite satisfied with the ending. People say on a forum that the 2nd season will come out someday. Not many information yet.

I wish I could spend time with my father. 

I recently stumbled upon a web-journal which actually brought me to tears. I just wish I could put such deep emotions into my photographs like this man, Phillip Toledano. He spent his days with his father who had no short-term memory, after Phillip's mother suddenly died. The photographs conveyed a lot of feelings -- especially those I didn't understand yet. The feeling of love towards your own father.
It's sad, touching and really beautiful. 
Here I shall present you the link to the website: