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21 September 2011 @ 06:47 pm
A softer world.  

I want to tell you all something I’ve never told anyone before. I want you to know what I’m really feeling, and I want to show the people who feel like they have nothing to live for that there are people who feel the same way and you should never give up.

Almost every night I spend on my bed, thinking about too many things. I feel sad and alone most of the time, even when something great happens, I do feel happy but that horrible feeling comes again. It's always inevitable, these negative thoughts come rushing into my head and I sometimes I feel like I can’t cope anymore.

I've been scared of telling anyone about this. I don't want them to think I'm seeking attention. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I have friends, but I don't think I'll ever be brave enough to voice out my feelings. I don't want them to hate me, I don't want them to drift away, I don't want to be alone. I may be bitchy sometimes, but I'm just a coward behind a mask. 

Once, I felt like I really had no other way out and I decided that the best thing to do was to commit suicide. I spent days and weeks thinking of every way I could do it, would I strangle my neck with my own hands? Would I hang myself with my belt inside the wardrobe? Would I overdose on Panadol? Every day, I kept looking around and every where I looked there was something that I could connect to an escape: “I could jump off there. I could jump off from the school balcony.”

I have written several suicide notes. I have tried to keep diaries expressing my feelings and I have written letters to friends for if I were to kill myself. I spend every day trying to figure out what went wrong, why I feel so incomplete. Because nothing traumatic happened to me when I was younger to make me feel this way. I’m just unhappy because it’s the way I am. For a long time I felt like no one could help me.

I know this is probably meaningless, but I know how hard living is for some people. I know how hard it is for me. But I think can get through it. I love my family and my friends and I know God will never forgive me if I did take away my life. I don’t think I’ll ever be better and fully happy. I think that I’m always going to feel dark and helpless and hollow on the inside. But I know now that there are ways to work through those feelings, and there really are things to live for.

If I look deep inside myself, maybe I'll find them. I'll find those reasons to live. 

I can't wait to get a 3DS. I am dying to play Kingdom Hearts: 3D! Sora and Neku, ftw.